Here are some true golf challenges we'd like to see on a "reality golf" television series:
The Rotisserie Wiener Challenge
Every good reality TV series tests the mettle of its contestants by making them eat something disgusting - 100-year-old eggs, live worms, pig intestines. Small time, all of them. Our contestants have a greater challenge: downing those clubhouse rotisserie wieners, the ones that have been spinning under the heat lamp since 1978. The golfer who eats the most of them wins a bottle of Pepto-Bismal.
The Dumbass Challenge
This one is a chance for viewers to see our golfers behave just as they would in nature. We'll drop the contestants off at a PGA Tour event and provide each with vouchers that get them all the free beer they want. The first one to scream "YOU DA MAN!" or "GET IN THE HOLE!" is eliminated.
The Take-a-Picture-of-Tiger's-Backswing Challenge
We will not drop off our contestants at a PGA Tour event for this one, because snapping a photo during a player's backswing is very big no-no, indeed. So we'll need Tiger's cooperation for this challenge, which tests a player's agility and speed. Each player will be given a camera, told to join the crowd watching Tiger Woods tee off and asked to snap a photo during Tiger's backswing. The object is to get the photo and get away, crossing a finish line 100 yards away, before Tiger's caddie, Steve Williams, catches the contestant and destroys the camera.
The Slow-Playing-Drunks Challenge
We'll send our contestants out in groups of two. Ahead of each twosome will be a group of four who've been drinking all day. They're sloshed, they're playing at a snail's pace and they won't let that twosome behind them play through. The first contestant who intentionally hits a ball into the drunk foursome is eliminated. But the first one to flag down a marshall to register a complaint and ask for help gets a mulligan.
The Beer Cart Challenge
Another challenge whose objective our golfers won't know until it's over. Send 'em out on the course and wait for the beer cart, and its lovely female driver, to come around. The first contestant who says to her, "Are you a screamer? Because I need somebody to yell 'fore' " is eliminated.
The Cheapskate Challenge
Our contestants are instructed to drive to the local upscale resort. Our hidden cameras at the resort will show us which ones park in the farthest corner of the parking lot to keep from being noticed by the cart jockeys, in order to avoid giving any tips. The first one to do so is eliminated.
The Club Throwing Challenge
Each of our golfers, following a poor drive, must whirl around and hurl his driver into a collection pond near the tee. He who whirls and hurls the farthest wins all the drivers ... but he has to go into the pond to get them.
The Foot Wedge Challenge
The golfer who appears least guilty as he is kicking his ball out from behind a tree - believing that no one is watching - is eliminated. Golfers with such skills are dangerous!
The Hit-the-Guy-Picking-Up-Range-Balls Challenge
You know the range ball cart - the one some poor guy has to steer around the driving range, picking up golf balls, as other balls go whizzing by. This is target practice we all need because, admit it, we all aim at the poor guy. Who wants to aim at oil barrels when you can aim at a guy in an enclosed cart, driving around right in front of you? Our contestants who hit the guy in the cart get a mulligan.
Ryder Cup Challenge
Not much to this one. If a contestant is European, he advances.
