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Golf One-Liners and Other Short Funnies

By

Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer laughing

Want to laugh like Tiger and Arnie? Of course you do!

David Cannon / Getty Images

In the mood for a laugh? Below is a collection of golf one-liners and other short funnies. What does that mean? That means that we have one-liners, two-liners and even a few three-liners. But mostly, it means the jokes here are of the short variety. (Longer jokes and funny stories can be found on our Golf Jokes index page.)

If you've heard a great one-liner (or 2- or 3-liner) you'd like to share and that isn't listed here, see our contact page to submit it (clean jokes only, please).

Now, on to the golf one-liners and laughs:

Q: Are you a scratch player?
A: I sure am - every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went. (submitted by Nels Lundgren)

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How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!

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Q: What's the problem with my golf game?
A: You're standing too close to the ball ... after you've hit it.

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My golf game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped.

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Q: When is the course too wet to play golf?
A: When your golf cart capsizes.

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The higher a golfer's handicap, the more likely he is to try to tell you what you're doing wrong.

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Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

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Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddie: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

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A good golf partner is one who's always a little bit worse than you are.

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If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, it means he probably shot an eight.

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Q: You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married?
A: Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.

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Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost.

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Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

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Q: How do you like my game?
A: Oh, it's a great game, but personally I prefer golf.

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The only problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.

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Q: I'm ready to go for this par-5 green in two, but there's still a group on the green. What should I do?
A: Well, you have two options: you can go ahead and shank it right now, or wait for the green to clear and then top the ball half way there.

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I once played a golf course that was so difficult I lost two balls in the ball washer!

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The game of golf is 90-percent mental and 10-percent mental.

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Q: Why is the game called "golf"?
A: Because all the other 4-letter words were already taken.

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When it comes to putters, try before you buy: Never buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

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A golfer who says he never cheats is also a liar.

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Q: You made a 12 on a par-3? How in the world did you manage that?
A: I chipped in from the fringe.

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You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10-percent of the time, but hit a 2-inch branch 90-percent of the time.

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Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the golfers lie well.

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Two longtime golf buddies were standing on a tee box overlooking a river, getting ready to hit their tee shots. One golfer pointed down the river, turned to the other golfer and said, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!"

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Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," you score a six, and you write down "five."

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Q: What's the easiest shot in golf?
A. Your fourth putt.

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If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.

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Golfer: Hey caddie, would you wade into that pond and see if you can find my ball?
Caddie: Why?
Golfer: It's my lucky ball.

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